Author - GoodguyWrites
Pubslisher - Goodguy
Genre - Comedy
Photo - Sunan Wongsa-nga of IStock
So I came in with a swing of a bat into someone.
Someone patriotic
Someone abstract
But someone still pretty fucking sadistic if I’d say so myself.
I came in because we all fucking know he ain’t a good man and let me tell you, I am not going to have him get into my contry and run it like the bastard he is.
Oh yeah. By the way I’m a fucking plant.
A cannabis plant, to be very honest.
Not exactly the most expected thing ever, or is that just bad timeing.
Anyways, I came backwith a slap of my leaf on his chest and a pen to his neck. And I’m not going to have it any other way with him, because I don’t like to do any of it that way.
“youy will tell me how you became the president of this country, and I then you will stop being the president of this thjing, and once you do, I will rock your world with the highest levelk of drug youll ever get before you die a slow death of poison by…”
“my very ownhouse plant.” Yep, I’m apparently his hopuseplant, but just like you call that between humans slavery, I call that bullshit, and I call it hard bullshit.
Like this rock I use to wack him over the head, well not reaslly, as he cartwheels out of the way. Hey… at least he’s one actrobatic president that’s for damn sure.
“Honestly, I don’t know how to make humor here.” That’s him by the way.
“not like you’re gonna need it after I come with the…” and I screwed up a punch right just for him, served raw and with all natural based products. “punchline.”
Not a jokey joke is it.
But we got better, as I got started on a demo-cracy and took it right between his pate-triotism. So much for being such a liberal bastard, is it not.
No, thay’re not funny. I wish it was.
But it’s not
And that’s what I hate. Hate as much as I want to bring it back to this bastard…
But he took it back first and grabbed a pair of scissors.
Oh fuck… if that gets on my stem, then you know it’s not gonna be good, is it. Im just gonna be avoiding that for the rest of the fight. later, guranamoists…
“I’ll get you for what you did to our lineage.” Looks like he’s giving me the stare. Turns out that’s what happoenes if you try to do gone with drug plants. Don’t try it kids.
“I did nothing man… well, I was in the prescence of the some dude while some guy named jfk was out on the streets, but still, not like that’s anything to go by, is it not.”
“you little…”
“oh by the way, he wasn’t the sniper, that was his…”
And then I got ‘attacked’ and well by attacked I mean he tried to lung into me, but I held onto the ridge on the president’s logo and I held on to my life as much as that ridge. My leaves, the each and every leaf, all 10. each remaining vein slipping, sliding with each trembling movements I created, grasping upon the egde ofit’s talons, every shaking photosi=ynthesizing breath reverberating throughout my stomata consistently, my stem compressing horizontally, elongating longer, weighted with the clay formation of myt potted existence I possessed.
But with the upmost strength, the pain of a thousand thorough cob=nvulsions sparking through my anatomy, I moved my stem to avoid the many slashes from frustrated 4 eyes over here. Again. And again. Again. And again. Again. Again. Again. And over each with a harrowing pain, a thorough intensity throughout my stem.
But I have no time to care about that.
I’ve had enough of holding on.
Time to respond. I got my ass right back down there, forward… rolled (lets say tuck and rolled in my plant pot) and then zip zap zappity zap over the three second of what seems like ievitable doom for me, I finally found something, oh god it was something I =could use.
A smg gun… eh, that may be too heavy for my puny little leaves to pick up… eh, let ,me try it anyway.
I grabbed it, a resurgence of resistence flowing throughout me, as well as the harrowing guilt of seeing what had my fellow kind been turned into by the humans. Not like I care though.
The only one I’m here to take out is this man.
and I am very fucking determined to take out this man of a motherfucker.
So with the pain of a thousand ivy needle jabbering throughout me, the internal ingranation inverting throughout my anatomy, I i… i… i… was uncertain, I didn’t know if I could life this or not, I felt like I just… I just…
And that’s when I found out I did… neat. I can do that huh. And I can carry all these bats.
“Oh shit… guards guards!”
“not like they’re gonna come for you.”
And why do you think that?”
“already took care of that…”
“and the army..”
in a war”
“and the pharmacists”
“they don’t even fucking serve you, ypu greedy bastard” “this is why people, and plants, don’t want you as our goddamn president, you stupid fuck!” as I went in for the trigger, b=no holds, no resistence, just a while load of ‘fuck this I’mn done.’
I’m done with all this shit good and proper
And if fired
Holy shit it fired
I fucking berated the enire fucking whitehouse down... or at least the prezzy’s room (yes im botta be calling him that now) with this goddamned piece of shit that’s for sure, and it ain’t like I’m gonna be giving it up anytime soon. You know I’m not done with something like this that’s for…
And it’s already finished. (outta amo)
Well… fuck!
And he soccer balled me right in the face with the bar side of his ring tipped glove.
now I was on the floor, writing w=in what felt like immense pain.
Yep, that was immense pain.
Well what either felt like immense pain or the most sexual pleasure of a plant…
So anyways. I came back.. oh you’re back on that again.
Ok look I’m a plant, but we reproduce too. not in the same way per say, but we do. You learnt that in biology right. You should pay more attention to that. there may be one day that a plant decides it wants to murderify you cause you touced it’s ‘plant boobies’.
what, I’m a plant, I have excuses; yeah we have female plants, and yeah people ain’t anting to fuck em, but it’s not like I don’t want to fuck an ivy or rose, is it. U can undertand out there, can’t ya plant brethren, can’t you?
yeah, so anyways, still lying down, still absolutely fucked, still stepped on by this thing of a president.not which isn’t really the mosyt pleasing images to the eyes. A jagged, haemommraging presidents stepping on a wee-little plant like he’s some sort of grudge with it (which yes, that might be the case) but still, man that’s not pretty looking shit to get at is it.
And so he took one of them president labels, repeatedly ttried to cut me witrh it, and then he just settled on pinning me down on the grounds with it.
And then he said something to me.
“I could just disintergrate you right now, right here.”
“You know, you could not,” I danced with my leaves in sort of a helpless mercy, however, you could also say that this, is fucking resistance. “cause, you know, I have value.”
“I know you do, I know I bought you from the black market, I know I could sell you.”
“No, you know you want me, you know you need me, you have to have me. I complete you.”
And that’s exactly what I needed to make him tear. “no… I have vented you through the hears, I hidden youi in my basement, I gave you life.”
“Ew, you know how shitty it feels to be given life by a president who takes it away for simply his defiance.” I fucking went and stole the enrgy from somewhere; past or fyucture me, perhaps“and those vents smelt like shit, dave, and you fucking know it.”
And then his muscles malfunctioned, spasmed to the left. Fingers twirling, anatomy scrunching, acid rain washing his hopes away. He clenching his hands to some sort of beats. “You know, we can take over the world together… we can become the green you need for you plants to become…”
“Yeah we can…”
“oh really”
“no
He faingted over and got ready. “for hells sakes I gave you life…”
“and that’s exactly why I hgate you.” and so I richcheted his them with the potted clay at the bottom of me… and id that that’s pretty effective in my opinion.
Then I went for a flurry of photosynthesizing attacks, socketing him in the face, kicked him with the bottom of my potted plant, and translocated a bunch of water vapour right into his throat to make him cough… andy lets throw a bit of co2 whilst were in the as well. That gives em mild doses of wgat ilike to call ‘fuck you, fuck me or die, bitch!’ and I wasn’t done yet, I took one of the curtans on his windows, wrapped him round the head with it… andthen I was gonna knowck him out of the window, but maybe ill save that for later, and so I took him back with a socketed punch to the head before knocking over the table, with more thab a bit of force over to him… but don’t worry. Not like he’s gonna be mpoving anywhere after I tie him up to that chair over there… ah, wish I had one of those but for potted plants, don’t you agree?
But instead we have these dingy little things. Fucking hate em, hate em all. Not good in any way shape or form,but it’s kind of bonded to my body right now, so yeah that makes sense.
And so I grabbed whatever was on the other side… thois helmet from one of the bodyguards I absolutely obliterated a few minuites ago, and then I slammed it straight into him just like that, my god that must’ve… nope, I keep forgetting, I just have plant arms. Dingy little things probably aren’t gonna do as much as human arms. Don’t know what they’ve got in there, but they’re really fucking strong..
And that’s why I want to avoid that.
He sprung his fist right back at me, threw a thing and then…
Oh it was a bomb
Well shit
And then…
Oh it didn’t activate, well neat. “oh why didn’t that work.”
“cause you’re a filthy organism, you… filthy organism”
“do you really have nothing else to add onto that.”
“no not really.”
Then he swung into me with a bar and a docment, and maybe a paperclip whilst we’re at it. But but I only go hit by one.
And it was the bar.
So I knocked straight into the wall, not pinned, but just really launched straight in there like that, and you have to realize, im a [plant, I have a weight aatthe bottom, so the bottom hal;f of me will be launched into there. It like if your legs had a ball and chain on there. Physics works by saying fuck you, the bottokmis the one getting the most affecxted now, cause your ass is so…
And then the potted clay thing broke…
Woo, im free, im free… but hen again, will I be able to move, since I proably need them potted plant helpers to move.
And so I tried…
Not before he grabbed a rifle from over the side, aimed, and pulled the trigger. “why doesn’t this stupid thing work
“cause I already used it.” Then I socketed him in the head.
Well shit… this is actually easier to move in. it’s like all my root can extend outward onto the floor… now what do you call those. Legs… limbs maybe, yeah, limbs, imagine a shit load of limbs, uncoiling but still curved, standing upon the floor, white, silkih, but still supoortive, something like a spider but more of it.
And then you get me right now
”I reloaded it and everything.”
“It’s made of plant, man. What do you expect from a plant that uses a bunch of planbts to eventually ma
Can you control plant.
Hell no, that’s now what you should expect. Im a plant for fuxks sakes, you think a plant can control things. that’s gaias thing yk
“Gaia?”
Oh there so much more to know when you’re a plant,” I… i… plant shrugged, yes imagine a plant shrugging with all 8 of it’s arm like ;leave apendiged and this is what you get “like the fact that your face is about to get socketed real good” as bad as acid rain on a statue… yep ive seen one of those… I found asnoyher thing to hit him with, and yes, it was a computer screen from his desktop (yes this is a modern age and yes global warming is still a wry for you elitists out there. If you stop it, we plants can help with your stuff. we’d all move and all that good shit.) came back wigth another round back with the keyboard. The keyboard wzsn’t something I expect to hurt and damage real good, and I’m not exact;ly feeling too much hardness is, but it really does hurt there let me tell you.
Then I took another bar from up top and swung him t hin, punched him with a leaf or 2 or 8 and then knocked down the entire chandelier from up above, and let me tell you, that shit really buried him in some deep shit let me tell you that… in fact it made him not be able to move, and let me tell you, I don’t even get what he’s saying in there.
“I can change… I can…”
“eh, not after all the bullshit you caused out there, like, for shit’s sksaes man, not only did you put outall the bombs from all your stations, but you also probably maybe fucked over the world into world war 3, you absolute retard.”
“world war 3.”
“yes. Imma put you down one way or another, and bitch, it’;s gonna be painless weather you like it or not.”
Then I found a knife and I held it like I held for dear life, like I hold it for dear love, I held it in my hand. yes, completely change my image, I don’t care, this guy repeats the holocaust for plants every fucking day. You probably killed more plants treading on the ground over there than I am eradicating this fucked up scum from the earth…
Oh I got the word.
“Scum…”
“what”
“that’s the add on I got for you.” and then I thrusted that baby right into his neck like the saviour of the world I …
Nope, he wriggled right ouyt of hit, just got out of the chandelier (I clal balls, I call balls, fuck that, that’s just superhuman scriength at that point) then he soccered me back in, took back another bat and then swung it right back at me.
Ow that hurt.
And a sub machine.
Well shit.
And thejn he took a keyboard, the keyboard, and he wswang it right back at me
But I bnlocked that shit like a goddamn motherfucker.. well, what I say block, I mean more that we’re in a stalemate with each other, and that I was using the force of my every 8 leaves to go in with it.
“Looks like shit’s getting real now.” I sound like a badass there, let me tell you that
“Yeah it does…”
then he forced it in, kocked me over, “well shitted” me and thwen I rocketed up to his face before grabbing hm and knocking right back down onto the floor. Taking a chair I beaten him right into the graound, just jabbering that shit right into him, the furniture right within his spine, hard and real, the mnost amount of sounds that could ever be created from shit like this reverberated, no showed within the aytymosphere, e=white noise coming out. Then I knocked some co2 into him, dropped box into him, dragged a pipe into him, and then whacked him over with a bunchg of wires, a rug and the president’s own personal stash of shitty weapons, cameras and a dance on his body… yep, that’s his, his personal one.
Then he came back fwith a cklenched fist, rammed it into my leaves and then socketed me right into the wall. Back over, with another, but i…
Then a bunch of bodyguards came in and pinned me to the floor, somehow locking me in there.
“not really fair…”
“sometimes, you have to cheat for your contry, am right?”
And that’s when everything suddenly went ‘black’
Yep, couldn’t hear shit for the next… well… ever, I guess…
…
…
…
BREAKING NEWS FROM YOUR NATUONAL HEADLINE OF THE US NATION, WE HAVE DISCOVERED THAT THE PRESIDENT IS UNCONSIOUS WITHIN HIS OFFICE. IS THIS AN ATTEMPTED ASSASINATION, COULD THIS BE A FALURE IN HEART OR COULD THIS JUST BE A HANGOVER. WE DO NOT KNOW, BUT WE ARE DOING WHAT WE CAN TO CURE HIM, MAINLY SO WE CAN BE SEEN AS A GOOD NATION I GUESS.
A FEW DAYS LATER WAS ANOTHER BROADCAST.
BREAKING NEWS, NOW THE PRESIDENT HAS RECOVERED FROM HIS DAY LONG PERIOD OF UNCONCIOUSNESS, BUT IT’S TURNED OUT THAT HE HAS BRUISES FROM HIS ARMS. LETS HE HAS TO SAY ABOUT HIS SITUATION.
“A PLANT WAS BEATING ME, A PLANT WAS BEATING ME!”
AND WE’VE SUDDENLY FOUND OUT THAT HE HAS HALLUCINATIONS
THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME I WE HOPE THAT WE SEE YOU AGAIN SOON, FOR MORE THINGS, SPECIFICALLY MORE HOPEFUL THINGS
AND ANOTHER
BROKEN NEWS TODAY… WE, OR MORE SPECIFICALLY OUR POLICE DEPARTMENT, HAS FOUND WHO’S CAUSED THE INITIAL UNCONSIOUSNESS OF THE PRESIDENT.
AND IT APPEARS TO BE THIS MAN HERE BECAUSE HE SAYS HE DESERVED IT.
GOOD CALL POLICE, GOOD CALL!
THIS IS OUR PLACE’S NEWS AND NOW I WANT PIZZA TODAY.
AND ANOTHER
FRAGMENTED NEWS ARE IN TODAY WITH THE FACT THAT THE PRESIDENT HAS NOW LEGALIZED WEED. WE DO NOT KNOW WHY, THOUGH HE DOES SAY THAT IT’S BECAUSE OF MEDICINE. SO THAT’S GOOD. AND NOTHING ELSE. THANKS FOR CHECKING IN TODAY FOR ANOTHER DAY HERE. HOW ABOUT FISH GUYS HOW DOES THAT SOUND…
AND ANOTHER
THE TRUE CULPRIT HAS BEEN LEAKED TO THE PRESS, I REPEAT THE TRUE CULPRIT HAS BEEN LEAKED. WE ARE HERE TO SAY TODAY THAT THIS IS THE TRUE CULPRIT. AS I AM RECEIVING HIM WE ARE ALSO HERE TODAY TO SAY THAT TERRORISTS ARE TERRISTING AGAIN. BUT THAT’S FOR ANOTHER DAY, CAUSE IT’S ALL HAPPENING IN ANOTHER COUNTRY…
AND SO, WHO IS HE, I’M WAITING TO FIND OUT AS WELL. READY, ARE WE READY TO FIND OUT. AS OFNOW I AM RECEIVING THE PAPER, AND…
OH GOD HE WAS RIGHT…
IT IS A FUCKING PLANT!!!!!
AND THAT’S ALL FOLKS THANK YOU CHECK IN LATER FOR MORE CROSSWORD CLUES AT 5 OCLOCK… PLEASE…
AND ANOTHER
HELLO, THE PRESIDENT HAS NOW DECIDED TO ALLOW FREE SAMPLES OF CANNABIS TO OVER 18’S. THIS WILL HAPPEN AT EVERY SHOP THAT SELLS AND DOESN’T SELL CANNABIS. THANK YOU FOR COMING.
AND ANOTHER
NOW PEOPLE ARE NOW QUESTIONING EVERY DECISION THE PRESIDENT HAS BEEN MAKING FROM UNCONSIOUSNESS TILL NOW.
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS FOR EXACTLY?”
“WHY CANNABIS SPECIFICALLY.”
“WHERE CAN I BUY YOUR STACK
“CAN WE HAVE MORE.”
“WHAT’S THE WAEATHER LIKE
AND AS WE ARE NOT BOTHERED TO SHOW A COMPLIMATION OF THE PRESIDENT SAYSING “OH HO HO, ALL WILL BE ANSWERED LATER” AS HE TIES HIS GREEN BOETIE, SO AS OF LATE, WE WILL CUT TO A VIDEO OF A PENGUIN PLAYING TIC TAC TOE WITH A SNOWMAN
AND OH FOR FUCK’S SAKES WILL THIS EVER STOP!
NOW THE PRESIDENT HAS DECIDED TO DEVOTED HIS BUILDING TO GROW WEED. PEOPLE WOULD BE QUESTIONING HIM, BUT AS OF NOW, THEY ARE TOO HIGH TO BE DOING AS SUCH. WE HOPE FOR THE BEST FROM HERE. WE REALLY DO.
ANOTHER
HELLO, THE PRESIDENT HAS NOW LEGALIZED WEED FOR UNDER 18
ANOTHER
HELLO, NOW SCHOOLS HAVE TO GIVE THEIR CHILDREN ONE DOSE OF WEED EVERY YEAR.
ANOTHER
HELLO, NOW THERE ARE FARMS FOR CANNABIS SET UP ROUND AMERICA
THESE FARMS NOW COVER A QUARTER OF AMERICA
NOW A HALF
NOW THREE QUARTERS
NOW FOUR FIFTHS
NOW ALL OF AMERICA
FINALLY… THE LAST…
THE PRESIDENT HAS BEEN RENAMED TO THE ‘GREEN PRESIDENT’, EVERYONE IS TAKING WEED AND SHIT HAVE I NEVER BEEN HIGHER IN MY GODDAMN LIFE… WOO; PREZZY WHAZ THE SHIT!
“I DON’T FUCKING KNOW”!
“I DON’T KNOW EITHER!!” WOO” FUCK THIS BUISNESS IM GONNA FUCK THIS MAN OVER HERE, AND THIS ONE, AND THIS ONE. IN FACT IM GONNA FUCK EM ALL…
*THE BROADCAST CUTS
NOTHING.
AND ONLY A BLACKNESS REMAINS.
BOTH IN SCREEN
AND IN PERCEPTION…
BUT WHO FUCKING CARES THERES CRACK TO SMOKE AND I’M NOT DOING IT!
LATER!!!!!!...
…
“…so… how do we kill this plant…”
“…it’s a plant… just, burn it… or something… I dunno.”
I’m boutta die, they got gasoline on me, and yep.
There’s the torch…
Whelp… I hope there’s roses in heaven for me to fuck. a black one would be nice, but red would be nice too. how about an ivy… thorny one perhaps…
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